


And it happens again

by fallendevil17



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, major mentions of panic attacks, please proceed to read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 15:47:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16684504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallendevil17/pseuds/fallendevil17
Summary: Somehow, Jongdae and Junmyeon always end up holding hands without even realizing.





	And it happens again

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #6  
> Somehow, they always ended up holding hands without even realising. 
> 
> Author’s note:  
> So, this time round I decided to write a fic with major mention of panic attacks. It’s mostly based on me and my friend’s personal experiences with panic attacks, so my sincere apology if it isn’t represented accurately in this fic. 
> 
> A huge shoutout to my sister, E, for beta-reading this and correcting my rusty grammar. And H, I don’t think you would read this but you are my muse and greatest inspiration for this fic and I hope everything will be okay soon. Just hang on tight and remember I’m here for you. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and constructive criticism and comments are greatly appreciated! 
> 
> P.S. Sorry, prompter if I ruin your prompt >< I tried my best.

It’s happening again.

  
The classroom starts to spin. His friends were right in front of him but he doesn’t register the fact that he sees them, feeling as if he’s watching a live action movie. He struggles to breathe as he feels his throat slowly closing up.

  
“Jongdae, Jongdae, can you hear me?”  
Junmyeon, Junmyeon… Then a pair of warm hands are on his hands. “I am here for you. Breathe in, breathe out.”  
Junmyeon’s voice, as usual, does the trick. Jongdae feels his breath slowing down and finally coming back to his senses. At least ten pair of eyes are looking at him, with fear and worry.

  
“Feeling better? Junmyeon asks, his voice laced with concern as he tightens his hold around Jongdae’s hands. “Do you want me to call your parents?” Jongdae shakes his head vehemently. “Don’t,” his voice cracks, so he clears his throat. “I don’t want to worry them.”

  
Junmyeon shoots their friends a look and taking the hint, they scrambled back to their seats. Jongdae’s thankful for the personal space and lack of questions from them.  
“Thank you, Junmyeon.” Jongdae sends a grateful smile and Junmyeon returns it with a hesitant smile.

  
And when the school bell rings for the last period only does Jongdae realize that he has been holding Junmyeon’s hands and the latter hasn’t let go until it’s time to go home.

  
**  
Jongdae was in sophomore year when he had his first panic attack. He remembered the teacher was telling him that he was failing his Biology class and he starts to panic because he needed to score the subject or else his hard work would be wasted. Then it happened - the classroom walls began to spin and everything around him seemed surreal like he was the audience within a movie. His lungs began to tighten and the last thing he remembered before he collapsed was Junmyeon rushing to his side, his eyes widened in horror.

  
He was diagnosed with panic disorder. The doctor said that stress from exams and school might have triggered these attacks and he was advised to relax and not to stress himself too much. But Jongdae was a perfectionist who tend to be hard on himself, so it wasn’t long before the next panic attack happened again. Fortunately, Junmyeon was by his side, taking his hands into his own with his gentle voice, telling him to breathe in and out, over and over again until he finally calmed down. Somehow it becomes a routine, that even when he has his attacks when Junmyeon isn’t around, his friends would call his childhood friend for help.

  
“Jongdae,” Junmyeon calls out as they walk to the bus stop at the end of the day, waiting for the school bus to go home. Jongdae turns to look at his best friend. Junmyeon, forever the worrier. But Jongdae doesn’t deny that it makes him smile to see Junmyeon worrying about him.

  
“It’s okay, you know. You don’t have to be embarrassed about it.” Jongdae doesn’t know what to say. Junmyeon’s right. Although the attacks don’t occur frequently now that he’s been seeing a therapist and has a better control of his emotions and stress, he still somehow feels ashamed when they happen.

  
“They are a part of you and no, it’s not a flaw, those panic attacks.” They are red signs that telling you that you are being too hard on yourself.” Junmyeon’s warmth seeps through their linked fingers. “And you should heed those signs and take it easy.”

  
“I know.”

“My mom made banana cakes. Do you want to come over to my house and have a piece?”

  
“Are you distracting me with food?” Jongdae chuckles. “I’m not a child, Junmyeon.” Sometimes he wonders what will he do without Junmyeon, his best friend who knows his obsession with banana cakes and homemade cookies; who knows the right words to comfort him and who understands him more than anyone else in this world.

  
“But it works, doesn’t it?” Jongdae rolls his eyes, and walks away, leaving his friend behind, not giving Junmyeon the satisfaction that he was indeed right about him.

  
**  
“Chanyeol, you are an idiot!” Jongdae laughs out loud as his mind imagines his 181-cm friend trips and falls over his shoelaces because he wants to pet some stray cats on the way to school that the whole cafeteria can probably hear him. Chanyeol can be a ladies’ man with his good looks and extraordinary musical talents but the truth is he’s a dork.

“Stop making fun of him. Chanyeol’s just a little clumsy that’s all.” Baekhyun tries to bite back a grin as he helps to clean the blood on his forehead and arm.

Junmyeon laughs, his eyes crinkling as he looks at Chanyeol who resembles a pitiful puppy right now.

“Junmyeon, not you too.” Chanyeol pouts.

“I’m sorry but it’s so funny, Chanyeol.” Junmyeon’s laughter reduces to small chuckles, but Jongdae’s still laughing, the scenario playing in his head’s far too amusing for him to stop.

Before Chanyeol can retort, the school bell rings signaling for the next period. Still chuckling, everyone gets up and leaves for the next class.

“We have to go, Jongdae.” Junmyeon pulls his hands. Jongdae looks at their interlinked hands. Wait, when did they even hold hands? 

When Junmyeon notices how Jongdae’s staring at their hands, his lips curl into an awkward smile before letting go.

  
“Come on, it’s Mrs. Park’s class. We really don’t want to be late.” Jongdae nods and follows, his mind still very puzzled why Junmyeon was acting all weird with them holding hands.

  
**  
“Boo!”

“Yah, Kim Minseok! Stop doing that! You scared the shit out of me!” Jongdae yells, his high pitch scream pierced through the quiet classroom and which could have gotten him into trouble if the teacher had entered at that moment.

  
Junmyeon shoots a disapproved look at Minseok, who now only remembers Jongdae has panic attacks and he could have triggered them with his stupid antic.  
“Sorry, I forgot.” Minseok smiles sheepishly.

  
“Are you okay?” Junmyeon asks, rubbing Jongdae’s knuckles, checking for signs of distress on his face. Jongdae looks at their hands. It happens again- they are holding hands without even realizing it themselves. They exchange glances, and with guilt evident on his face, Junmyeon lets go of Jongdae’s hand.

This has been happening quite often, Jongdae notices, where their hands would just reach out for each other so naturally no matter what they are doing and where they are. It starts to feel like an instinct to hold Junmyeon’s hands, to let his warm and slender fingers interlock with Jongdae’s. The latter deducts (smartly) that it all started when he had his first panic attack.

But what bothers him isn’t about Junmyeon holding his hand. It’s his reaction when he notices they are holding hands. He would look so guilty as if he had done something really awful. Really, what can be so bad about holding Jongdae’s hands?

“Jongdae,”

“Yes?”

“Can I copy your answers for the Maths homework? I forgot to do mine.” Junmyeon is back to being himself but Jongdae doesn’t miss the peculiar look in his eyes, where he’s testing Jongdae’s reaction to see if they are okay or they are going to act all weird with each other. Jongdae might have a poor understanding of people but for him, Junmyeon’s like an open book whom he can figure it with just one look or move.

“You forgot to do or you didn’t do?”  
“It’s the same.”

Jongdae gives him a look but nevertheless takes out his Maths workbook and passes it to Junmyeon who says thank you with a saccharine smile.

**  
Jongdae’s panting when he reaches the top floor of the new school building. He has never come here before, one for hating climbing up the stairs and two for he has no business here as this floor belonged to the members of Nature Club.  
But he’s looking for his best friend, and if everything goes well, someone who’s going to be more than just a friend. But Jongdae doesn’t want to get ahead of himself.

  
It took another accidental hand-holding incident and something more than that before Jongdae finally realizes what’s happening between them. This time he had yet another panic attack when the teacher dropped the bomb saying that their project due date had been brought forward, and they had to hand in within the next two days.

  
At first, Jongdae had felt the panic rising in him as thoughts like “But I haven’t started on anything yet” and “there’s so much to do! Where should I even begin?” began to cloud his mind but he tried to keep them under control, and breathed in and out just like his therapist had suggested.

  
He tried to focus on the next classes, taking down notes or whatever it took to keep his mind off the said project. But his mind was a stubborn one. Every time he tried to suppress the thoughts, they would come back with more intense scenarios that sent him back into panic mode.

  
And eventually he couldn’t take it anymore and broke down when everybody had left the classroom at the end of the day. Junmyeon, who had just returned from the washroom, immediately rushed to his side and tried to comfort him as he always did. But Jongdae was inconsolable as he kept crying and sobbing and hyperventilating.

_“It’s going to be okay, Jongdae.”_

_“Junmyeon, I, I can’t stop.”_

_“You can. Just focus on me and breathe in, breathe out. Don’t think about anything else.”_

_“Breathe in, breathe out.” Jongdae tried his best to listen to Junmyeon but he just couldn’t stop sobbing and he was getting out of breath. Junmyeon immediately pulled him into his embrace, rubbing his arms as Jongdae clung to him for dear life. And maybe he got too worried that he did something neither of them expected- he leaned in and kissed Jongdae on his forehead, and nose and cheeks and finally lips, as he whispered ‘it’s going to be okay’ over and over again._

  
_It took probably ten minutes or more when Jongdae finally calmed down and the realization that Junmyeon kissed him set in._

  
_“Uh, you okay?” Junmyeon let go of his hold, avoiding Jongdae’s gaze._

_Damn it, Junmyeon! Jongdae’s mind shrieked. Why do you have to look like you have committed a crime? You did nothing wrong, okay? You are just comforting your best friend who had a panic attack! Besides, I like it! I like the feeling of your lips on mine and I never want you to kiss anyone else but me!_

_“Jongdae?” And that look in Junmyeon’s eyes, Jongdae knew, he wasn’t the only one who thought so._

_“Are you okay, Jongdae? You had it really bad just now. Should we inform your parents? Maybe they should talk to your therapist.”_

  
_“Junmyeon, Junmyeon, you are being a worrywart again. Besides I think this panic attack is a blessing in disguise.”_

  
_“What?”_

  
_Because I finally realized how much you meant to me._

He knocks on the door and it opens, revealing a surprised Junmyeon. He didn’t blame his friend for his reaction. He did, at one point, made a dramatic declaration on never stepping into the rooftop botanical garden.

  
“What are you doing here?”

  
“To water the plants.” Junmyeon narrows his eyes. “To see you, of course. Can I come in, Mr. President?”

Junmyeon nods and lets him in. Rows of potted plants are neatly organized on the metal racks with their names labelled. As they lean against the ledge, they can see the entire school from the top view.

“Have you eaten lunch? You didn’t join us for lunch today.”

  
“Sorry, Ms. Park was asking me about the new members today.”

  
When the small talk ends, the awkward silence sets in and Jongdae wonders when it becomes this difficult to talk to Junmyeon.

  
“Jongdae, I owe you an apology.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t mean to take advantage of you that day. You were really having it bad and…”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, I really am. It’s justifiable to hold your hands when you have an attack. But it’s not when I hold your hands without asking for your permission or touching you all the time. And I swear I don’t know why I would end up holding your hands most of the time. It’s true that your hands are warm and they are so nice to hold, but that doesn’t give me a right to hold them against your will. And I kissed you that day. That was totally uncalled for and I…”

“Junmyeon, stop. You are rambling. I’m the one with the panic attack, remember?” Jongdae grins.

Junmyeon takes a breath. “Right, right.” He breathes in, and out again. “I’m sorry.” “So you like holding my hands?”

“I’m apologizing and that’s your only take?”

“Because you don’t have to apologize at the first place. I like that you hold my hands and I like holding your hands too.”

“Okay, so we like to hold hands.”Jongdae narrows his eyes. “Yeah, we are two best friends who like to hold hands for no apparent reason and … “Jongdae pauses, his finger tapping on his chin as he pretends to ponder. “and who sometimes kiss each other.”

They stare at each other before bursting into laughter.

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I know.” Jongdae smiles. “So, best friend, do you want an upgrade?”

Junmyeon smiles, playing along with whatever Jongdae has in mind. “What upgrade are we talking about?”

“Well, you will be upgraded as my boyfriend and not only you get to hold my hands, but you get to kiss me and go to prom with me.”

“Sounds like a bad offer. I’ll pass.”

“Kim Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon looks at him, his expression turns serious out of the sudden. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, super sure.”

Junmyeon stares at him, looking like he’s waiting for Jongdae to take back his words. But Jongdae’s not going to do that, not now, not ever. When he doesn’t see any sign of regret or deceit in Jongdae’s eyes, he heaves a sigh. “Okay, boyfriend. Let’s go get lunch because I’m starving.”

Jongdae chuckles. “I was expecting it to be more dramatic.”

Junmyeon laughs. “We are not in a rom-com movie. And you are the dumb one that took so long to figure it out.”

“Oh really? How come you don’t say anything?”

“Uh,”

“Uh what?”

Junmyeon’s cheeks turn pink. “I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a ball of cheese.”

“Look who is in touch with their feelings.”

  
“Shut up, okay? I was going to wait for the right time to tell you.”

  
“And when’s that going to happen?” Jongdae chuckles, as he reaches for his hands and interlock their fingers. “Lucky for you, I have said it for both of us. And now, if you excuse me, I have a hungry boyfriend to feed. Shall we go now before he turns into the Hulk?”

When Junmyeon nudges him hard with his elbow, Jongdae thinks it’s too late to say no to having a violent boyfriend.


End file.
